Dr. Becky’s Parenting Advice: The Power of Doing Nothing
When your child begins to voice complaints, the best approach may be to simply “do nothing” — a technique suggested by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and mother of three.
“This helps parents regulate themselves first, and that sequence is important because when we manage our emotions … it significantly aids them in regulating their emotions,” Kennedy explains to TODAY.com.
Known affectionately as “Dr. Becky” by her three million Instagram followers, she is a well-known parenting expert, New York Times bestselling author, and the host of the “Good Inside with Dr. Becky” podcast.
Kennedy, who has children aged 7, 10, and 13, shared her “do nothing” concept in an Instagram video.
“I just had the most seamless, enjoyable morning with my kids before they headed off to school, and I want to share exactly what I did to create that,” Kennedy mentioned in her video. “I implemented a strategy I refer to as ‘doing nothing.’ Let me clarify how this functions, though.”
“First, my daughter emerged and started complaining about breakfast — ‘Ugh, waffles! I despise waffles!’ Normally, she enjoys waffles, but instead of reacting typically, I chose to do nothing. She voiced her displeasure, and I responded with this,” Kennedy shared in her video.
Kennedy demonstrated a sigh she gave, which she noted helped “deescalate” the situation. Shortly after, her son piped up, saying, “You promised to wash my sweatshirt; it’s still dirty!”
“Now, just between us, he never actually requested I wash his sweatshirt,” Kennedy added in the video, noting that mentioning it could escalate the tension further.
“Today, I opted to do nothing,” she recounted, explaining that she took a deep breath, gave him an empathetic look, sighed, and said, “You wish the sweatshirt was clean.” Then, she observed her son pick a different sweatshirt.
“We had the smoothest morning because, rather than engaging in a power struggle or interpreting my kids’ words too literally, I simply chose to do nothing,” Kennedy said in her video. “I highly encourage you to give it a try.”
What’s Dr. Becky’s ‘Do Nothing’ strategy?
“Here’s the essence of doing nothing,” Kennedy shares with TODAY.com, elaborating, “When I appear to be doing ‘nothing’ externally — meaning I’m not reacting to my kids — I’m actually doing a lot internally: breathing, reassuring myself … I’m regulating my feelings on the inside, allowing me to appear as if I’m doing nothing on the outside.”
Kennedy explains to TODAY.com that kid-parent power struggles often involve “false claims” and generalizations like, “You always” or “You never.”
“Our children frequently invite us into power struggles,” says Kennedy, adding, “What do we know about power struggles? There’s a lot of crying … guilt afterward and … no one really wins. It’s like being invited to a party where someone says … ‘We will end up screaming at each other and saying hurtful things’… I would respond, ‘I’ll pass on that invitation.’”
Kennedy suggests that if doing “nothing” triggers a child to double down (“Did you hear me?! I hate waffles!”), parents might respond with, “Oh, really? You do, okay.”
“In this moment, parents must choose between being effective or being correct,” she states. “If you prioritize being right, you might retort with, ‘You’ve had waffles every morning this week.’ Being correct can be a lonely experience — if you’re right, someone else must be wrong … which fuels their fire.”
Realistically, if your child continues, Kennedy suggests using “three powerful words:” “I believe you,” a response that addresses “the fundamental struggle prompting the out-of-control behavior.”
Kennedy further points out: “There’s always something to believe. While we might not believe our kids truly dislike waffles, we owe it to ourselves and them to look deeper. Perhaps today they genuinely don’t want waffles, or their frustration stems from an unarticulated source.”
The “do nothing” tactic isn’t about ignoring your children, she clarifies.
“It all comes down to our intention … if you’re thinking, ‘My child is annoying, and I’ll just do nothing!’ they will sense … judgment and belittlement,” says Kennedy. “However, if you shift your mindset to ‘My role is to manage my emotions while my child is struggling … then your child will perceive that as loving, supportive, and steady.”
How doing nothing benefits parents
Kennedy emphasizes that the “do nothing” approach can help parents regulate their emotions.
“Focusing on managing your emotions is the source of your strength and leadership — that’s what enables you to show up in a way that makes you proud,” says Kennedy.
Ultimately, doing nothing provides a relaxed way to avoid ruining your day.
“I enjoy finding humor in challenging situations,” Kennedy says. “The notion of my child trying to invite me to a power struggle party and … me responding, ‘I’m not attending and I won’t let this party grow’ gives me something to chuckle about and … makes the moment more bearable.”
