Are Three-Person Friend Groups Truly Dysfunctional? ‘The White Lotus’ Ignites a Controversy
Indeed, the finale of “The White Lotus” offered significant twists on April 6. However, what truly resonated from the third season of this beloved HBO series was the friendship between Jaclyn, Laurie, and Kate, played by Michelle Monaghan, Carrie Coon, and Leslie Bibb, respectively.
Can friendships formed in childhood last into our forties and beyond without drama? Is it wise to vacation with a small group of female friends? Will one member of the group inevitably feel excluded? The series raises numerous thought-provoking questions about friendship dynamics and provides captivating insights into how these connections change (and occasionally devolve) over time.
Kirsten Tretbar, LMFT, from Tretbar Therapy, shares her fascination with how the series portrays the delicate balance of intimacy, rivalry, and individuality that occurs within these relationships.
“Friend groups consisting of three can be either resilient or volatile, depending on how well the members handle their differences and shared anxieties,” she notes, highlighting that “The White Lotus” beautifully captures this tension.
“From the outside, three-person friend groups may appear fun and intimate, but they often reveal some of the most intense and subtle power dynamics that individuals may not even realize they are navigating,” asserts Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, a relationship and attachment therapist and owner of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy.
Below, Tretbar and Groskopf delve deeper into the psychological dynamics surrounding friendship triangles and the lessons we can glean from Jaclyn, Laurie, and Kate’s compelling interactions.
What are friendship triangles and how do they operate?
As you may have surmised, a friendship triangle represents a non-romantic bond among three friends.
“Three-person dynamics often create what’s known as a ‘triadic relationship.’ They can feel intense as they tend to replicate early attachment experiences — determining who gets chosen, who gets excluded, and who must remain neutral to maintain harmony,” explains Groskopf. When one person feels even slightly left out, it can activate deep-rooted survival instincts from childhood, raising questions that range from “Am I being replaced?” to “Am I too difficult?” to “What must I do to stay connected?”
Groskopf notes that these groups can often lead individuals into roles such as “the fixer” or “the third wheel,” even if there was no intention to create such dynamics. “The triangle itself becomes the focal point of the relationship, and that can become complicated very quickly.”
Tretbar reminds us of a well-known quote by Dr. Murray Bowen, a foundational figure in family systems theory: “The basic building block of any emotional system is the triangle.”
Dr. Bowen posited that emotional systems — whether within families or friendships — aim for balance, and when anxiety escalates, a third party is often introduced to help stabilize tensions.
“In a healthy triangle, all three relationships work together to distribute emotional pressure. However, when one connection weakens, symptoms tend to emerge in the third relationship, manifesting as acting out, distancing, or over-functioning,” she elaborates. In ‘The White Lotus,’ we observe three women leading distinctly different lives, yet their differences reflect aspects of one another and provide strength to the entire dynamic, she adds.
Can three-person friendships thrive?
Tretbar isn’t surprised that season three of “The White Lotus” resonated with many viewers, particularly regarding Jaclyn, Laurie, and Kate’s relationship, as it delved deeply into “the emotional push-and-pull of a three-woman friend group.” Thus, she notes, the series sparked conversations about whether three-way friendships are functional or inherently unstable.
So, are these friendships doomed to chaos? Absolutely not. Tretbar firmly believes that in many instances, triadic friendships can endure even longer than dyadic or two-person friendships, as the inclusion of a third person adds emotional versatility.
“Triangles are often more resilient than they receive credit for. They can handle emotional burdens more effectively, much like distributing heavy boulders among three hikers instead of just two.”
“If two friends grow too close or enmeshed, the third friend provides necessary breathing space. Should someone withdraw, the third friend helps reconnect them. In cases where one pair experiences conflict, the third often acts as a stabilizing force, sometimes even catalyzing a reunion between the original two,” she explains regarding this concept of “system regulation.”
“Triangles are frequently more resilient than many assume. They can distribute emotional challenges more effectively, akin to sharing heavy burdens among three hikers instead of two,” concludes Tretbar.
What can we learn from the friendship triangle in “The White Lotus”?
Tretbar commends the show’s creator, writer, and director Mike White for tapping into something both contemporary and archetypal with this trio.
“These three women personify ancient archetypes: the nurturing mother (the Texas housewife), the passionate artist/actress (the free-spirited creative), and the intellectual lawyer/thinker (the ambitious professional). Collectively, they symbolize facets of the entire feminine psyche, safety, enjoyment, and authenticity, with their friendship mirroring the lifelong journey of self-discovery,” she articulates. “Friendships like theirs encourage growth, challenge perceptions, hold us accountable, and remind us of our roots. They serve as mirrors, and despite how divergent our paths may become, those long-time friends — the ones who knew us as children — still recognize and cherish our truest selves.”
Groskopf, on the other hand, highlights a pivotal lesson from Jaclyn, Laurie, and Kate’s friendship: an opportunity to reflect on fawning — a common behavior in three-person friend groups. “It manifests when someone engages in people-pleasing, adaptability, or suppressing their needs merely to maintain harmony. In these dynamics, one friend often becomes the emotional buffer — the one who never takes sides, avoids setting boundaries, and does not fully present themselves to keep the group together,” she explains.
And here’s the catch: it’s usually unconscious. “It’s a response from the nervous system rooted in attachment styles — particularly for women raised to believe that being ‘easygoing’ or ‘low-maintenance’ is essential to be loved,” she points out, emphasizing that while the ‘cool girl trio’ may appear tight-knit from the outside, often one individual is quietly contorting themselves to avoid being left behind.
