Joann Fabrics CEO Presents a Humorous Argument for Keeping Stores Open
“Saturday Night Live” honored Joann, the cherished fabric and craft store that has recently declared it will be shutting down all its locations.
On Saturday, March 29, Oscar recipient Mikey Madison made her debut as host of the late-night sketch comedy show, joined by musical guest, Morgan Wallen.
During the “Weekend Update” segment of the episode, cast member Ashley Padilla embodied the role of Joann to mourn the recent closure announcements.
Padilla appeared alongside “Weekend Update” co-anchor Colin Jost, sporting a blonde wig, a white and yellow printed blouse, and a bright green Joann apron to convey her frustration and sadness, exclaiming that it was “not okay!”
When Jost remarked that the news seemed to deeply affect her, Padilla retorted, “It matters to every capri-clad woman stuck with a dull husband and a grumpy dog!”
“I just don’t get it. Where did we go wrong? Joann’s has everything,” Padilla asserted. “Bright fluorescent lighting, dusty plastic succulents, and the best part? Every cashier is a retired nurse sporting two wrist braces and the largest breasts you’ve ever seen.”
Padilla went on to express her disbelief at the news, asserting that 2024 was projected to be the company’s “best year yet,” raking in an impressive $4,000 in revenue.
“It was never about the money for me. I’ve been in charge for 80 years and have never stopped working in the store,” she explained. “Each day I was living my dream. The first thing I do when I arrive is check that we’ve got enough Halloween merchandise. Then I sweep up dust into a pile and redistribute it. I power sniff a permanent marker before heading home.”
When Jost simply referred to Joann as just a store, Padilla insisted that it was so much “more than just a store.”
“It’s a refuge for women who wear pants to the beach,” she declared. “Without Joann’s, where will we go?”
Things took a surprising turn when Padilla pulled out a fully bedazzled flask, perfect for a crafty woman, and shared her theory on what “ruined” the company — feminism.
“Feminism has led to our downfall. Teach a woman to read, and she’ll never craft again,” Padilla claimed. “Now they all aspire to be ‘SheEOs.’ Well, guess what, SheEO? You just killed Joann fabric!”
In March 2024, Joann filed for bankruptcy; however, at that time, the company indicated that its 800 stores and website would remain operational.
Less than one year after the bankruptcy filing, it was revealed in February 2025 that the Ohio-based retailer would close all its store locations after failing to find a buyer.
