Discussing Shootings with Children: A Comprehensive Age-Based Approach

Editor’s note: Shortly after the school year commenced, the first school shooting took place. A shooting at a high school near Athens, Georgia on September 4 resulted in the deaths of four individuals and left nine others injured (details are still unfolding). Incidents of gun violence have regrettably become a frequent occurrence in the United States. This article was initially published in 2015. We have made updates and republished it far too many times.

The feeling of dread is all too recognizable: When mass shootings happen, parents must navigate how to discuss violence with their children.

There isn’t a single method for discussing tragedies with children; parents’ approaches can vary based on the child’s age and temperament. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics suggest that parents refrain from discussing such topics with children until they reach a certain age—typically around 8, though it varies by child.

“If it doesn’t directly impact your family, kids under 8 don’t need to know about this,” stated Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a parenting specialist. Younger children often struggle to comprehend the situation.

Nonetheless, Gilboa emphasizes that parents should discuss mass shootings with younger children if there’s a chance they might hear about it from others.

While guidance may differ by age, Gilboa offered general advice for all parents confronting the need to discuss the latest mass shooting with their children.

“First, you have to process your own emotional response. Your actions will impact them more than your words,” she noted. “Have your initial reaction away from your child.”

She also shared several recommendations for communicating upsetting news to children of all ages.

Preschool-Kindergarten: One-Sentence Summary

“Before talking to them, you need to determine the story you want them to create for themselves,” she advised.

For very young children, Gilboa suggested that parents simplify their narratives. These stories should align with the parents’ beliefs. For instance, parents might want to convey that a bad individual caused harm to others or that a person struggling with severe issues acted out in anger.

“You will give a one-sentence summary to anyone under 6,” she explained.

This could also be an opportunity to shift the focus of the conversation. Aim to highlight the positive aspects, such as the heroes involved in the situation.

Elementary School Children: Provide Protection

Again, parents must decide what message they want their children to take away. Kids in this age group tend to be more inquisitive, so parents should consider how much information to share.

Gilboa emphasized the importance of shielding children from graphic images or news coverage, as these visuals can leave a lasting impression. If children do encounter distressing images, she suggested showing them uplifting photos to balance out the negativity.

“Let’s see if we can replace those upsetting memories by highlighting the positives and the incredible individuals who rushed to help,” she remarked.

Tweens: Listen to Their Emotions

Initiate the conversation by asking tweens if they are aware of the recent shooting.

“When addressing a sensitive topic, start with a pretest. Ask how they feel about it,” Gilboa recommended.

If they are informed, listen to their sentiments. If they haven’t heard, parents have an opportunity to express their beliefs while gaining insights into their tweens’ thoughts.

“(This leads to) a fruitful discussion about your shared values without dwelling on the graphic details, but rather focusing on the person you are nurturing,” she added.

Teens: Seek Solutions

Once again, Gilboa suggested that parents ask their teens if they’ve heard about the latest tragedy and encourage them to share their thoughts.

However, teenagers may seek deeper engagement.

“Teenagers are often on the lookout for hypocrisy and solutions; they believe in collaboration and social justice. They will ask, ‘What are you doing?’” she said. “You can respond and then ask, ‘What are your thoughts? What would you like to do? How can we work together?’”

Teaching teenagers to pursue change can help foster their resilience, she stated. It’s crucial for parents to continue listening to their teens’ feelings and show empathy.

“I believe that taking action helps us feel empowered,” Gilboa concluded. “Our goal for our children should be to encourage them to address injustices they observe.”