A Transformative Lesson on Love: Insights from Two Divorces Before Turning 40

It felt like a scam. I was about to spend a significant amount of money on someone who wouldn’t help me navigate the dating pool to find a genuine relationship but would instead expose my mistakes in the pursuit of love. However, after enduring 20 years of heartache and two divorces before hitting 40, the fear of repeating my detrimental cycle outweighed my rational thinking. I sensed that I was lacking a crucial piece of knowledge on how to approach dating successfully.

A colleague recommended a dating coach named Bela to me. During our initial session, she inquired if I harbored doubts about my previous partners. I candidly shared that while exchanging vows with each of them, I had never been more confident about my choices. They represented my aspirations for marriage and motherhood. Yet, shortly thereafter, shocking truths about both relationships unspooled, leading to their downfall.

My first husband, whom I tied the knot with at 29, was gentle, kind, and uncomplicated. Tragically, just six weeks post-nuptials, I discovered that I hardly knew him. We were both caught up in conflicting fantasies.

I confided in Bela about how, in my early 30s, I entered a phase of extremes while trying to understand myself. I found myself either enjoying late-night cocktails with colleagues or visiting friends in maternity wards, bonding with my unofficial newborn nieces and nephews. Friends envied my adventures in Istanbul and trips to São Paulo, while all I craved was the stability of a binky and a baby monitor.

When my second ex-husband flaunted his three young children who adored me, I couldn’t resist rushing to create the life that felt increasingly out of reach. The relationship lasted less than two years before I uncovered his secrets—all alarmingly clichéd. I really should have noticed the red flags. He was yet another person I didn’t truly know.

As much as I wanted to play the victim, I soon realized I wasn’t without fault. While these men may have concealed their truths, I was also projecting an unrealistic fairy tale onto them. Articulating my painful experiences to Bela helped me confront the undeniable reality that I needed to break free from my unhealthy cycle.

Bela didn’t guarantee that I would quickly find a healthy relationship; rather, she promised that I would develop profound self-awareness and never again struggle with dating. It sounded precisely like what I needed, so I managed to pull together the funds and committed to a year of coaching.

I was instructed to adhere strictly to her guidelines: date multiple individuals simultaneously without engaging intimately or making commitments for at least three months. I was to space dates out to one per week to avoid falling for someone too quickly again. Friends mocked me, claiming I shouldn’t wait beyond three dates to be intimate, let alone three months, but I remained resolute.

Bela guided me in crafting a fresh profile on dating apps, emphasizing topics I was eager to discuss to encourage potential matches to reach out. I mentioned my love for cocktail bars and hard-cover books, sharing anecdotes that might capture someone’s attention, such as the time I got kicked out of a nightclub in Turkey. My photos presented me in six different outfits, showcasing full-body poses and headshots instead of cropped girls’ night images. She advised me to establish a new email address to trick the algorithms into seeing me as a fresh, appealing user, thus broadening my exposure to potential matches.

Before diving into the dating apps, her team conducted an intensive full-day session with me. They had me compose and read aloud a contract to myself, solidifying my commitment to the coaching program and my vow to break my cycle of rushing into relationships while finally heeding red flags.

Once my dating profile went live, I was startled by how different the experience felt. For years, I would engage with the apps only to delete them later. Tinder alerts used to intrude upon my work calls and runs along the Chicago lakefront, much like a toxic relationship that dominated my life.

Bela instructed me to limit my interaction with dating apps: no notifications, just a focused 15 minutes in the morning and evening. To my surprise, I started enjoying the process. I was attracting truly amazing individuals in numbers I hadn’t experienced before. Prior to coaching, I would only manage one date a month, but with my renewed outlook, I drew in attractive prospects on a weekly basis.

I began to wonder: Could it solely be the revitalized energy I was radiating? Was my newfound mindset deserving of all the credit? My meaningful and honest engagement in the dating arena was finally yielding gratifying results.

Less than two months into coaching, I met Jason on Match.com. As with my prior relationships, I had an overwhelming urge to dive in quickly with him and delete the apps. I found myself on a call with Bela, tears streaming down my face, expressing my desire to stop dating others.

In her nurturing tone, she reminded me, “We’re seeking consistency.” She guided me to open my calendar. “You’ve known him for less than two weeks, Andrea; this isn’t adequate time to secure your commitment.” Bela believed it took about three months for someone to genuinely reveal their true self. Reflecting on my past partners, I recalled how early dates swiftly evolved into daily messaging, intimacy, relationships, and marriage.