Understanding the Trend: A Psychologist’s Perspective on Non-Judgmental Listening
Have you ever felt apprehensive about sharing something with your partner? What if you had to share it… on camera?
TikTok is buzzing with a new trend where individuals reveal secrets they’ve kept from their partners or other important people in their lives. The twist? They’re expected not to judge each other’s secrets.
The videos typically start with both individuals stating, “We listen and we don’t judge” in unison. However, many creators seem to struggle with the judging aspect, often responding with expressions of shock and disbelief.
Various groups of people have joined in on the trend. Friends created a makeup-themed version at a Sephora. Nurses shared experiences about their work. Fathers and toddlers engaged in heartwarming discussions; parents had similar talks with their older kids. Daughters also prank their families by fabricating their confessions.
However, the majority of the trending videos center around couples disclosing secrets they’ve kept from one another, such as admitting to disconnecting the router to get the other’s attention during a video game or utilizing ChatGPT to write responses to lengthy messages early in their relationship.
Some of these admissions have provoked reactions not only from partners but also from online observers.
In an interview with TODAY.com, Janie Ippolito mentioned that she found the trend “hilarious,” prompting her and her husband, Dave Ippolito, to create their own video. However, they were met with negative feedback in the comments.
“We should rephrase this to ‘we listen and we don’t divorce,’” one user commented, while another wrote, “may this type of marriage never be my fate.”
Nonetheless, Janie Ippolito asserts she can overlook the comments. “It’s such a short clip that it’s not worth trying to argue or prove something to people online,” she states. “I just let them go.”
The criticism isn’t limited to Janie Ippolito’s video, as many clips involved in the trend have received negative comments, leading to the question: Is this trend truly healthy? Psychologist Avigail Lev expresses her feelings as “ambivalent” about the trend.
“While the trend appears to promote honesty, because participants share everything they’ve done with their partner or friend, it lacks true transparency, as many confessions are about actions taken behind each other’s backs,” Lev explains to TODAY.com.
The trend underscores hidden actions — some of which can be concerning, according to Lev.
“The issue here is that certain actions people confess to aren’t things I’d advise mentioning in that context. I would simply suggest not doing them in the first place, which avoids the need for a confession,” she adds. “It’s better not to lie originally so you don’t have to confess later.”
Lev further worries that once the cameras stop rolling, couples might feel hurt.
“They’re learning about things they didn’t know their partner had done, which isn’t an enjoyable experience when you’re live on TikTok,” she says.
Nevertheless, she acknowledges that these videos exemplify nonviolent communication, “a great method for expressing emotions and making requests.”
For some couples, sharing these thoughts on camera serves as a form of relief. Shelby and Dylan Reese mentioned that the trend has made discussing certain topics “a bit easier.”
“Incorporating humor into discussions always helps with expressing yourself,” Dylan Reese tells TODAY.com.
The Reeses have already adjusted their behaviors based on revelations made in the trend. Dylan Reese, in one video, poked fun at his wife’s storytelling pace, mentioning he sometimes uses a timer when she starts to narrate.
“Just yesterday, while I was sharing a story, Dylan took out his phone and started timing me,” Shelby Reese recalls with laughter. “And I really did speed up my story after that.”
